Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
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Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
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