i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
