I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
Randomize
