I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
How do you feel about the band name "O'labia Newton John"??
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
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Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
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