and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
downstairs . braiding the drunk passed out girls hair, she will thank us In the morning
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
i repeatedly had to ask him if he was into this because he kept talking about random things while i jerked him off. i got annoyed and in order to annoy him back, i told him i wanted to watch him do it. he also talked about basketball WHILE cumming. NEVER AGAIN.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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