i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
If by fun you mean, did I meet her cousin for the.first time and bang him, then yes it was a productive evening.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
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