In line at the arbys drive thru on foot. Legendary.
You're the unicorn of the gay community. Unbelievable and unattainable.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
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