the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
i feel as if its time to shave my pubes but i should wait until before the party. nobody likes a sloppy drunk girl with a stubble-crotch.
story of my life.
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize
