Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
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