I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Randomize
