im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
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