just come out here and I will go home with you...
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Randomize
