i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
