Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
I'm pretty sure that waking up butt ass naked with a bottle of 151 and a note that said "I didn't want to wake you up, but thanks" proves I had a good time....god bless America
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
Randomize
