i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
So who won the naked front yard Olympics last night?
Well my tits are spray painted gold & i have what i think r the Olympic rings shaved in my vag !!!!!!!SO its safe to say i won something ....
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Randomize
