there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Randomize
