alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
