i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
sent the pic of my tit to the wrong bbm chatroom
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
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