had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
Randomize
