So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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