Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will
and a girl gets the red ring of death every month
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Randomize
