So I just did the walk of shame at dunkin... A lady told me me I was really dressed up and I told her I was going to a luncheon.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
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I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
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She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
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