Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
I want a musical about memes.
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