I like my sex mixed with concussions.
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
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Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
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