So im pretty sure the object of my emotional onterest is tired of playing with me....
I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
Randomize
