Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
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