i feel as if its time to shave my pubes but i should wait until before the party. nobody likes a sloppy drunk girl with a stubble-crotch.
story of my life.
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
Randomize
