I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
Randomize
