Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
there was naked duck duck goose
how does that even get suggested?!
after naked leap frog.... it wasn't that big of a deal
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
Or maybe I'll just keep introducing myself like, hello, they call me iane because I need the D. Applications are submitted online, women need not apply.
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
Randomize
