i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
Randomize
