I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
Randomize
