I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize
