omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
Randomize
