It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
Randomize
