At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
In anticipation of No Judgement Tuesday, I believe a Can We LOL At What We Did Last Night Saturday is in order
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
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