Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
She's Jesus crazy. And one if not more other forms of crazy. She's 2.5+ crazy.
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
