I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
Bad Decision October is in full swing. I was telling people that "I put on eye makeup today, I'm takin' a dude home with me!".
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize
