I CAN MOONWALK!
I never want to see another naked old woman again.
Pride was great cause we really can now appreciate how far we've come as gay people!
Doll, if you're still fucking strangers behind the WeHo Sonic while high on E then we've come as far as 2003...
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
Randomize
