How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
His girlfriends signaled their approval by pulling me off of him and in turn making out with me. I think I will hang out with this group more often
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
Randomize
