You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
Randomize
