I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
JAMES WASHOMGTON STATE ATTACKED US
WE'RE FYCKED UL HARDCORW
THE REISLING ATRACEX US
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
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