Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
Randomize
