I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
I thought short asians scared me, however seeing my first tall asian I'm terrified.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
Randomize
