After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Randomize
