You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
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