you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
Randomize
