There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
Please note that in response to your post about your dog's jaws clamped hard around a stick, I did not comment, "Takes after his dad." You're welcome.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
