when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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