Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
Walk of Shame today included voting.
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
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