I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
On a scale of one to 10 how Risky is it to sleep with a married man (all morals set aside)
Randomize
