U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
Now back to adults eating hotdogs.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
Randomize
