I like my sex mixed with concussions.
You guys coming?
We are smoking out the bouncer? But after that sure
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
Ive been using palmolive to shower with for he last week, dont tell me about not having money. Im heading to the bar r u going.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize
