So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
it's ok, no one ever died fom being sticky.
i've gotta research that and get back to you.
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
Randomize
