So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
I used the word aforementioned in my paper. That's an automatic A in community college.
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
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