He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
i want to bang the Snorg tees girl.. shes always smiling ;)
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
Randomize
