i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
Randomize
