I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
never thought i'd see a ''climb of shame'' until she came down from the attic in front of the whole party..
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
