watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Randomize
