Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
Being the hot sister definately has advantages, I'm pretty sure I ruined her engagement
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
