i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
Below this exterior of ice is a layer of cum. Followed by a pool of gin. More cum. Then, finally a heart.
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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