I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
I blacked out after running into my soc TA in the beer garden. came to dancing on the speakers at major lazer and making out with said TA.
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize
