i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
Like what? And no, shrooms cannot be party favors.
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
Randomize
