he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Randomize
